I'm in a super crappy mood today. (And don't even say, "What else is new?" This is on top of any regular moodiness.) I'm frustrated, my patience is at an all time low, and I'm in a ton of pain (kidneys again) and tired from not sleeping in several days (pain). Moose is making me crazy, despite a good start to the day with breakfast at IHOP, and all I really want to do is crawl in bed and sleep for 3 days. Today is my dad's birthday, a day that tortured me every year for the last 7 years. He would have been 59 years old today, a young retiree, enjoying life. But he's not.
This is definitely not a feel good post. This is a post about awareness. You see, I lost my dad, an Army officer and combat veteran, to suicide only a few years after he retired. He had struggled all his life with alcoholism and bipolar disorder, and finally the perfect storm was created when in 2004, he ended his life near his Florida home.
I have many fond memories of my dad, although I suppose not everyone could say the same. On the surface, he was a highly intelligent man, with a lot of rules and a short temper. But he was my DAD. He loved me fiercely, always did what he thought was the right thing by me, and taught me so much. He was far from perfect, but he's the only dad I had, and that was good enough. He loved boating, scuba diving and camping (often all together). He was a great soldier. His temper was something of a family legend, and he could just as easily be the life of the party. We all knew he had problems with depression, and later I knew he struggled a lot with memories from his time in a combat zone. I will never know why he took his own life. In my eyes, nothing could ever be THAT bad. But I also know that many of the vets I've met struggle with PTSD and it can be crippling.
We are fortunate that awareness is now on the rise. Nearly 8 years ago, PTSD was not yet a commonly known term, and the stigma associated with a diagnosis was steep. Especially among our veteran populations, PTSD, depression, and suicide ideation went untreated and unnoticed (and there was a lot of providers turning the other cheek.) About 4 years ago, the VA (Veterans Affairs) created a special crisis line that has helped to save over 18,000 veterans since it's inception. As tempting as it is to say it's too little too late, that would be extremely selfish. It may have been too late to save our family from this unending and crippling pain/grief, but even one life saved in this battle is a victory. I could spew facts about Veteran and Active Duty suicides at you all day long, but I'll save that for another time, when my head and heart are in a better place. Today is one of 3 days a year that I allow my grief to consume me. (The other is my birthday....also the anniversary of the last time I saw my dad before his death, and the anniversary of his death. Holidays are extremely difficult, too, but these 3 are the worst.)
For a great article, published today (of all days) on The Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/08/veterans-crisis-line_n_1322423.html?page=1
Believe it or not, I've had people say to me that I should just be grateful for the time he had here on Earth, and that I was well into adulthood when he passed. To those morons, I have a few choice words. There is so much he missed out on, like my wedding, the birth of Moose, watching her grow, just being here because I need him. There is something different about the grief you feel when you lose a loved one to a senseless act. The hole is deeper, more raw. So today, I'm going to wallow in my pit of grief, be miserable, and generally unpleasant to be around. It's a lot harder with my husband gone. He is such a rock for me when I have days like this, ready to help me however I need it, even to get Moose out of the house and give me some space. Except last year. Last year he managed to pull duty on both my dad's birthday and his death anniversary. Yes, I'm still bitter.
Please, if you or someone you care about is in trouble or just needs to talk to someone, the Veterans Crisis Line can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or http://veteranscrisisline.net/ or text message 838255. I don't want anyone to ever feel this pain that I feel today. You can get help. You don't have to be afraid or ashamed.
Also, please visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to learn more about how we are working with the government and health care providers to eliminate the stigma and promote services to all armed services veterans. www.afsp.org
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