What it is really like to be a military wife

I don't care what your preconceived notions of a military spouse are...throw them out the window. I'm tired of hearing them. (Especially those about officer wives. They just are not true.)  Unless you know a good-sized group of military spouses...you really don't know and don't understand what it is like. I hope that I'm able to give a good glimpse into our life with the United States Marine Corps, but I know I am just ONE spouse.  We are alike, and we are different.  We come from all over the world, have different religious and educational backgrounds, have different opinions on parenting, and more. But we all share one common thread: we love someone in the military, and we have chosen this life for our family.

Yes, it was a choice.  Regardless of when our spouse entered service.  But it was not an easy choice. Nor is it an easy life. I have lived with the military family lifestyle in one form or another my entire life.  But yesterday I was reminded of how hard it is for a young woman embarking on her military journey with her soon-to-be husband.  A bride called me, from many states away, and is in the process of planning her wedding to her deployed Marine.  They plan to be wed shortly after he gets home this summer.  We talked a lot about the photography for her wedding day, and then we started talking about life in the Corps.

She's 15 years younger than I am, and facing the daunting task of setting up a household for her husband's return. Here's the catch: the military doesn't recognize a fiancee.  You don't matter until you're married.  She's moving her entire life out here, thousands of miles from home, with no idea of where they will live (can't apply for base housing until after the wedding).  That's only one of many things this young woman has on her plate, in addition to the wedding planning.  They've been together for more than 2 years, and she just can't wait to be with her man, no matter what it takes. Now THAT is sacrifice, my friends.  I'd be overwhelmed by everything she has going on, let alone when I was a young 20-something.  I admire her strength and courage.  Us military spouses have a lot of both.  We have to.

This morning on the phone, I was talking to a family member, and she said, "I don't know how you do it." Well, you just do it. Sure, it's hard to say goodbye to your husband, to not hear from him, to watch your daughter cry out for him at night. All while managing the house, my business, and trying to take care of myself.  It's hard to pack up your home every 3 years and move away from your friends, school, and your comfort zone.  It's hard to be told you're moving to XYZ when that is the last place in the world you want to live. But we do it with a smile (and maybe a little griping to our military wife friends who understand.)  We know that as tough as things might be, we always have our military spouse friends to support us.  To help us out.  We take care of our own. That's all there is to it. I was happy to help that bride with all her questions yesterday, and I meant it when I told her to call me anytime.  And someday, when she's a "seasoned" spouse, I know she'll pay it forward. That is just what we do.

The next time you meet a military spouse, thank her (or him) for their service. Ask them what you can do to help. Or simply just smile.  That smile can go a long way and maybe even turn their whole day around.

A Really Boring Update

To make up for the long holiday weekend, the last two days have been CRAZY here.  That's after I already had a busy weekend. And from the looks of it, things aren't slowing down for a few more weeks. (I'm not sure if I am looking forward to or dreading the trip to Disneyland next week....but she's earned it.)

On the school front: yesterday I toured a backup school, just in case. I'm kind of a tough cookie to impress, but always Moose makes the final call. The school was clean enough, and the staff friendly, etc., but Moose clearly didn't like it. She is usually a very social little thing, and she just wanted to be held the entire tour, and kept asking if it was time to go. She didn't even explore the toys and activities in the classroom. HUGE red flag right there.  So, I'm extra glad that her school's director has found a way to keep the school open, and if we have to cross that bridge later...we will.

Today, Moose had her first deployment support group for kids her age.  She did very well, and I'm quite proud. (Not so impressed with the glitter glue mess, I mean ART, she brought home.  I don't do glitter so well.)  I am hoping that this is a way to make her feel connected to other kids going through the same thing, and not so alone.  Her behavior has been mostly much better this week, even though after a long weekend we were both ready for a break from one another.

I had a doc's appointment this morning...same old, same old.  Time to navigate the military health system again. So freaking annoying, when they want to refer me out to a base 45 minutes away just so that they can confirm they don't provide the services I need, and bump the referral back out to my primary physician to find a civilian provider for me. For all of you fans of Obamacare...talk to a military family to find out what it's like to have a government regulated healthcare system, then let me know what you think.  Yes, I am extremely grateful that we have the coverage we do, but sometimes the number of hoops and delays you endure is just too much.  (Or being told to cancel/reschedule the surgery to remove CANCER from your body, because some idiot in data processing screwed up your referral paperwork....don't get me started on that. They told me to reschedule, or just pay out of pocket and get reimbursed, 12 hours before my surgery.  Yeah, let me write you a check.... you said about $40,000?)

Sorry, random vent and ramble off topic there. (Do I have a clear topic this post?)  The rest of the day was busy, clearly, and Moose has her ballet class in the morning. Then we're off to the library to get a new set of books.  I already feel like a soccer mom. If it's like this at 3.5, what is 13 going to be like????  Anyway, I'm working on getting back to my usual self and routine.  I'm writing again, including my guest posts.  I have some work to catch up on, and so far, tomorrow is looking good for that.  It makes me feel good to have a clear sense of what I need to do without being completely overwhelmed.

Monsoon Season is Here

When it rains, it pours, right?  It's been one of those weeks.

Today I received some very bad news that Moose's preschool is closing at the end of the month. This is heartbreaking for us, as we love it there.  They have been so supportive of us as a family and as we started this deployment.  If not for school, I'm not sure Moose's behavior would have turned around after the departure. She has really flourished in this environment. We're so sad to see it end.

And, there is a serious shortage of preschools in our city.  Especially because Moose and I are atheists. I thought for a long time about this, and I simply cannot put her in a preschool with a bible-based curriculum. I think that at her age, it is too confusing, and honestly she gets enough make-believe at home. She can learn how to be a good, kind, moral person without tales of God. (I admit, I have very unpopular opinions when it comes to religion...so I understand if you abandon ship now.)  Almost all of the preschools here in our area have "Baptist", "Zion", "Lutheran", etc. in the name.  I'm simply not comfortable with that, and I'm thinking my husband backs me up here. (He kind of lets me drive the boat when it comes to religion and my child. Technically, he's Catholic, but I don't think he's seen the inside of a church in years. Weddings don't count.)

Sorry, I went off on a tangent.  This is about education, not religion.  I've spent the last few hours searching for schools and reviews online. I hate that I have to do it this way, but we're in a time crunch and of course it's Presidents' Day weekend, meaning everything is closed tomorrow as well. Grrrr.  I'm running into a lot of issues with the tuition of the schools I would prefer.  How in the hell is it justified to charge tuition comparable to a private 4-year university (I know, I attended one) for PRESCHOOL.  Here it comes.....W. T. F. ?????? Nearly $1000 a month (or more in a few cases) for a 3-day a week program? Oh hell to the no!

Warning: another unpopular opinion lays ahead.... I confess that I am not particularly a fan of public schools.  I am very lucky that we have an AMAZING public school right across the street from our development. But I know that in true military fashion, we will be moving at some point after she enters Kindergarten, and who knows what kind of school we will get.  I won't get into my whole tirade about public schools. I'll save that for later. Anyway, our public school has an amazing Kindergarten prep program, BUT the catch is, she can't start until August. Not helpful now, for March....

So, what is a family to do? We clearly don't qualify for any kind of tuition assistance, but I don't understand why it should cost a small mortgage payment to ensure a SAFE, productive and loving learning environment for a 3.5 year old.  I wish there were more people in the world like Miss D, whom Moose loves, adores, and who has provided a wonderful learning environment for her over the last year, but who also understands that a quality education should be affordable.

I am just ranting now. I have set up a tour of a center/school for next week, but honestly not holding my breath.  Either I'll love it and it will be out of our price range, OR it'll be affordable, but I wouldn't send my schnauzer there. I've spent the morning brainstorming ideas, but in the end, we will still miss what we have now.

Sad day. And I cancelled our trip to the desert to handle this.  Boo.  Maybe if you're all lucky, I'll entertain your with my position on religion and education in their full, unspoiled splendor soon. I'm really worried about how Moose is going to take this. She was just getting back to her normal self. So many upheavals has to be upsetting. Poor babe.

Evening update: The school is going to remain open, but there are some factors that could affect that. We're keeping our fingers crossed that everything will right itself, but I'm going to try to have a backup plan, just in case.  I hope we don't need one!!!

Negative Nancy at the Helm!

I openly admit that the last two weeks I have been a total Debbie Downer.  Hence the reason I have not been posting. I can't say it's the deployment getting me down, per se, but rather some of the fallout.  We're not big Valentines Day people, but at the very least we always exchanged cards, went out to dinner, and I usually got some chocolates and flowers. But not this year.  It's also ramping up into a very difficult time of year for me...my dad's birthday is coming soon, as well as our anniversary and my birthday.  I struggle so much with these three dates, and they are all over the course of about a month. Why do I have such a tough time? Well obviously, I miss my dad, and his birthday is a reminder that another year has passed without him. Our anniversary: well, he never met my husband or my daughter, and that pains me. And my birthday: the last time I saw him was on my 27th birthday.  That is usually all I can think about on my actual birthdays: how much time has passed since he left us. It's shitty to have to go through that timeframe alone, even though I cope on my own most of the time...it's a comfort to know that I have that shoulder to cry on when I need it.

So yes, I am in a funk.  I'm sad.  I'm tired and running on virtually no sleep.  I've been busy, and things are getting into a routine here, but at night, there is still the battle of getting Moose to sleep in her own bed. The latest: we're afraid of shadows. And goblins.  (So help me, whoever told her a goblin lives in her closet...I'm coming for you.) Every night, I battle for 1-2 hours to get her to go to sleep, and by then I usually just give in and lay down with her because I am drained.  Then I wake up, get into my own bed, only to find her crawling in a few hours later. (Always by 2 a.m. I can expect to be used as a pillow.) Then the dogs wake me up to go outside, and by the time I get back to sleep, the alarm is going off. I don't know if this means I need to adjust my personal schedule or what, but SOMETHING has to give.

Anyway, I'm here, but trying to work through this.  Fortunately, I have some good distractions planned. We are drawing closer to the Disneyland trip, and it looks like she might actually make it.  Lots of hearts, and only a few frowny faces.  I also have some girl time coming up with my Officers' Wives' Club members.  I promise to come back around soon, with some good news to report. Just gotta get my head back in the game!

The Second Week is the Hardest (so far)

Let me preface this all by saying that I am fine.  I understand why our military deploys. I stand behind it. I even can manage alone for awhile. *gasp* I'm an independent girl and have always been.  I cried my few tears at sendoff, and I'm good. I get to talk to my husband pretty much daily. I can cope.  However...Moose cannot even begin to comprehend why Daddy can't come home at night like he usually does, or that we can't just call Daddy at work whenever we need to.  And THAT, my friends, has been the challenge of this week.

Do you like pina coladas? I do. In fact, I'm enjoying one right now.  I'd probably set myself up with an IV drip of rum and pineapple juice, if I had any idea how to run a blender while tethered to an IV pole.  (I bet you think I'm kidding right now.) It's just been that kind of week.

I wish I could explain why it's been so bad, but I really can't. It's a culmination of things: me not sleeping well at all (I think I've had 10 hours of sleep in the last 3 nights), Moose just NOT understanding why her world has to be tipped upside down, leading to an increase in whining and a decrease in listening, and just general chaos here.  In other words, it has been the perfect storm for me to want to throw both hands in the air and say, "I quit!"

Except we can't quit. And as a military spouse, we know it will get better, and that eventually - this, too, shall pass.  It is definitely tough on us, but moreso on our little ones. They don't understand why everything has to change all the time. They say kids are resilient, and they are. To an extent. You start screwing with their foundations (i.e. home and parents), then things are going to be off kilter for awhile.  I just hope that this phase will pass quickly. This is uncharted territory for me: deployment with a small child.

But for tonight, I will be ignoring the dog whining to go out every 10 minutes (he thinks he needs to secure the perimeter), and I'm just going to let Moose pass out on the couch then put her in bed. I am enjoying a dinner of pina coladas and samoa cookies. (Did I mention I am allergic to coconut? This could get interesting, but I dosed myself with antihistamines, because I desperately need my coconut comfort food right now.)  And I'm going to spend the rest of my evening imagining I am somewhere like this:

For the Love of Skype

Back when I was a kid, and my dad was deployed, we didn't have email, satellite phones, or computers at all. (Unless you count my old Atari that had 5" floppy boot disks!)  We received a letter every month or so, taking weeks and weeks to reach us.  Maybe a phone call once a month.  Often, he would record cassette tapes and mail those to us. (I loved that!)  If you're asking yourself what a cassette tape is...it was an archaic form of sound recording before CDs and MP3s.  Ask your parents.

Anyway, communication was brief.  We usually got disconnected on phone calls. There was no guarantee that he'd be able to call us for birthdays, holidays, etc. Mail was also frequently lost.  Even in the early days of OIF and OEF, communication was sparse compared to how we have it now.  We can use facebook chat, email, snail mail (takes 6-7 days on average) and our personal favorite: Skype.

If you're not familiar with Skype...you should be! Skype allows you to instant message, voice and video call. FOR FREE.  It's amazing.  And there are multiple apps out there. We have Skype installed on all our computers, my Android tablet, and even my Droid phone. So I never miss a call or IM.  Sure, I still sleep with the phone and my cell next to the bed, just in case of emergency, but our primary form of communication is Skype.

Moose's first Skype date with her daddy was great.  She was so excited.  She talked about it all day before. (We have to schedule our video chats somewhat, based upon the time change and the peak internet use hours at his location.)  Moose has really missed her daddy. Like A LOT.  And being able to see him made all the difference in the world. She was able to be silly with daddy, make faces, and even draw a picture to show him. We can't forget our furbabies....they are able to get in on the action, too! After a Skype session, Moose talks about it, and you can see how happy she was to be able to see Daddy, and not just hear his voice.

Skype is a free program and download. You *can* buy credits to use Skype to call regular phones, but for the free service all you both need is an account.  I can already tell the ability to communicate almost daily is going to make a huge difference in this deployment for us.  And it's super easy, so even those who are tech-challenged can do it!

www.skype.com

I was not paid by, asked by, endorsed by Skype.  This is just an honest-to-goodness thankful Mommy who is so glad her baby girl can SEE her Daddy while he's gone!

Excuse the Mess

I've been working like crazy with my clients on some projects the last week, since I started this blog officially, and I just simply haven't had the time to get in here and make it all pretty like I'd planned.  I'm hoping that I will be able to tackle it this week, especially as we have some rainy days today and tomorrow, but as always: paying work trumps nonpaying work.

Speaking of messes: I'm a hot one today.  I didn't sleep worth a damn last night, or the night before, or the night before that....and so on, and it's starting to show.  I have bags under my eyes that could be mistaken for the luggage of a family of 4 going to Disneyland for a week.  I'd love a nap, but even those are pointless because they are always interrupted or I feel incredibly guilty after the fact that I wasn't working. Such is the dilemma of the exhausted business owner/mommy/spouse of a deployed Marine.

I'm going to start adding some flair to this blog, as well as images.  I do ask my friends and family this very important favor: If you know us personally, please do not comment, etc. using our real names, last names, and so on. This is very important to me to protect our anonymity and our troops. I will be posting about OPSEC & PERSEC soon, but please respect these wishes. Thank you!

So be on the lookout for some improvements around here in the coming days (or maybe weeks, I'm not making promises when I have enough work deadlines.)  I'm also thinking it is time for a physical change of my office space, which I do every few months when I'm feeling creatively stunted or frustrated.  Maybe I'll work on that today, since technically this is supposed to be a day off.

Bribery? Or clever reward system?

I mentioned that Moose is having a hard time adjusting to the changes of the deployment.  It has really hindered my ability to work or be a good parent.  I had to think of something, and F-A-S-T!  As noted, I have a really tiny tolerance for disobedience, and I was born without patience, which is why I am so fortunate that my daughter is (most of the time) a perfectly well-behaved child.

After a disaster night earlier in the week, I knew I couldn't handle a repeat performance.  On the fly, an idea came to me. I didn't care if it was a bad idea, or a brilliant one, so long as it WORKED! I told Moose that I was going to make her a calendar, and every day that was a "good" day, she'd get a heart.  At the end of the month, if she has more hearts than sad faces, we'll go to Disneyland.  Well, that got her attention.  I printed out a darling little printable I found at Anything but Perfect (what an appropriate name, right?) and gave her the sad little frowny face for her bad day the day before, and a heart for her good day.  I felt a little guilty, like I was buying her cooperation, but quickly my mommy friends on Facebook reminded me that she is earning this trip. OK, sure. I'll go with that.  (I still feel like it's a bribe.)

Now we are at the 5th day of the month, and we still have only one sad face, and now 3 hearts.  Sure, it's taken a LOT of reminders that she needs to listen and behave, or she'll lose her hearts, but it seems to be getting through.  We even designated the 29th as our "day off work and school" so we can go to Disneyland. The best thing about this is that the last three nights, she has gone to bed, at a decent hour, without a fight. Usually this kid is up until 10 or later, and then it's a struggle. She wants to sleep with me. She wants me to read to her (a minimum of 5 books). She wants me to lay down in her bed.  Finally, I have gotten some of my me time back.  Even if I'm only going to bed myself at 8 p.m.  This single parenting stuff is exhausting!

Here's a look at our calendar.  You can download the printables for the entire year at Anything but Perfect. They are adorable and just right to catch a little one's eye.  (Somehow, I don't think the calendar template from Microsoft Office would have had the same impact on Moose.)  Wish us luck!!